I enjoy a taste of alcohol every once in a while. Lately I've been on a fruit flavored rum kick. Malibu Passion Fruit rum is my favorite. I used to mix it with Apple & Eve Mango Passion juice, but lately I'm having trouble finding a store that carries that brand. So now I drink the Malibu Mango rum mixed with the local market's store brand Guava Mango juice. It's good, but not as good as the other stuff.
I used to be a big whiskey drinker. Black Velvet Canadian whiskey mixed with ginger ale and a wedge of lime. Then, 2 years ago, on Christmas Eve, I got violently ill while drinking that. It could have been something else, maybe bad shrimp or something, that got me sick. But I blamed the whiskey. After almost 20 years of drinking the same thing, I stopped cold turkey and switched. When I go to a bar I'll usually order Absolut Citron with sours. Now, when I say sours I mean Squirt or Fresca or something similar. Most bars will give me some sort of lime juice concoction. I'll still drink it. I just won't enjoy it as much. In my own opinion there is a differnce between a "vodka sour" and a "vodka with sours". Apparenetly, I am the only one who thinks this.
I also enjoy wine. The cheaper and sweeter the better. I like Franzia Sangria in the 5 liter box. That's right, I said box. I'm certainly not one of those snooty wine connisuers. I don't care if my wine has a good nose or good legs. I just want it to taste good. People who use wine as some sort of status symbol really need to be taken out into a vineyard and shot. There are far more important things going on in the world than whether your date is impressed by you knowledge of wine. Get an effin' life!
OK, I know this wasn't my best blog. It's just been a while since I posted and I wanted to let all my fans out there know I'm still alive and kicking. Lately my brain has been blank and I haven't been able to come up with anything to write about. Who knows? Maybe the booze is taking its toll.

Thank you for your time.

"The War at Home" on Fox is the worst thing on TV. The writing is horrible, the acting is amateurish, the plot lines are stale, and the super-phony laugh track makes me cringe. The actresses who play the mother and daughter are hotties, though. So I'll probably continue to watch it. I got my dinner from Taco Bell tonight. Mmmm, Crunch Wrap Supreme. It really IS good to go. I'm doing the bachelor thing while my wife and kids are away. Which means I'm eating more crap, drinking more alcohol and writing this in my underwear. It is HOT here. I spent some time in the pool today. But you really shouldn't drink and swim. So I got out and took a long drive instead. I once bought a bottle of wine called Fat Bastard shiraz. Shiraz is a word that I think means "undrinkable" in English. Anyway, I misplaced the wine and search throughout the house yelling "Where is that Fat Bastard?" Scared my brother-in-law. The fat bastard. I'm thinking of getting a Meat Lovers pan pizza for dinner tomorrow. Mmmm, meat. There is a large box of Beany Babies in my attic. Some of them even have certificates of authenticity. Every once in a while, the world just loses its collective minds. The Beany Baby craze was one of those times. Mind you, these are NOT mine. I collect useful things like shotglasses and amateur porn. Mmmm, porn.

Thank you for your time.

When I was taking my first wife to meet my dad I told her not to stare at his toupee. My father does not wear a toupee. Of course she spent the entire time staring at his head. He thought she was nuts. I got the idea from a show called "Slap Maxwell". That was a good show. It only lasted about half a season. A lot of shows I like get cancelled too quick. "Bakersfield PD", "E-Ring", "Action", "The Tick"...it's a pretty long list. Speaking of lists, Letterman once did a top ten list of dirty sounding phrases. The only one I remember is "windsurfing on mount baldy". That has stuck with me for years and I bring it into conversation as often as I can - "What are you doing this weekend"? "I'm going windsurfing on Mt. Baldy". "Read any good books lately"? "I just finished "Windsurfing on Mt. Baldy", I couldn't put it down". See? It's an all-purpose answer. Try it, you'll get some interesting looks. I like to confuse people as much as possible. Believe it or not, the more you confuse someone, the fewer questions they'll ask you. They don't want to look confused or uninformed. Makes me look like a freakin' genius. "You don't want to get into an argument with that guy. He knows shit I ain't never heard of"! It works best on drunks and clergymen. Speaking of which, all you catholics out there, next time your in confession try to work Mt. Baldy into the mix. Ever see a priest squirm?
I have to go now. I'm going....never mind.

Thank you for your time.

Why does Vanna White still have a job? This is the 21st century. Surely there is a technology that exists that can light up letters on a board. I'm sure she gets paid WAY too much for what she does. Is that brief inter-action with Sajak at the end of the show really worth a large paycheck? Or any paycheck at all? Now, I'm not some sort of sexist pig. Or maybe I am. Doesn't matter. Vanna looks good for a woman her age. Which is 49. Just a few years older than me. But she is hardly the eye candy that she used to be. I don't think people are tuning into that show just to check her out. It's a game show, not a fashion show. If the game itself is not enough of a distraction for you then maybe you have some sort of attention deficit disorder. Not that it's all that great a game. The contestants are usually so vapid it pisses me off. If you have a three letter word that starts with T-H why in God's name would you waste your money buying an E?
Anyway, get rid of Vanna, get rid of Sajak, replace them and all the contestants with Penthouse Pets. THEN we'll have a game show worth watching!

Thank you for your time.

There is a lake near my house. There are geese in this lake. Hundreds, if not thousands, of them. These geese often cross the road in large flocks. They walk across the road. Slowly. It goes without say that traffic has to stop for these little flockers. But they have wings. They can fly. I know. I've seen them fly. So why don't they FLY across the road? I would think it would be easier for them, being birds and all. Is it possible there is an intelligence at work here? Do they know what they're doing? Are they pissing drivers off on purpose? It's like bugs. Why do they always go right for the ears? They have to know that's the one place where it bothers humans the most. They must love watching us flap our arms around our heads to swat them away. Did you ever see someone swatting at bugs? From a distance they look totally nuts. Like one of the zombies from that movie "28 Days Later".

I have a jukebox in my gameroom that plays 45s. I really felt old when I went to a record store that actually still sells 45s and the vapid teenager at the counter yelled to the manager "This guy wants some of those number things". Are we really that far removed from the days of turntables and vinyl? God, I feel old.

Thank you for your time.